Golden Retrievers Speak: Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Jeter:   Alanis, today is Mommy’s XXth birthday!     Be sure to give her many licks and hugs!

Alanis:   I love birthdays, even though I have no idea what they actually are.  Why do humans celebrate the day of their birth?

Jeter:  I don’t know.    I know when I was born, it wasn’t the best thing I ever experienced – popping out of the womb with so many other puppies, all blind, and all needing our mother just for survival.   We couldn’t do a thing on our own.

Alanis:  That is the part I don’t get.  For the most part, the day of birth doesn’t seem all that pleasant, right?    Babies come out of the womb as if it is the worst thing they have ever experienced…..

Jeter:  Well, it is, given it is the first thing they experienced.  But, whatever…

Alanis:   Shut up, wise ass.   Why is this day so much more important than yesterday?  Why don’t they celebrate the first time they could eat without drooling all over themselves?

Jeter:   Daddy still can’t celebrate that…

Alanis:   True, that.

Jeter:   I think we just have to recognize their weird customs and just go along with the gag – give them some extra attention on their birthdays for the sole purpose of them giving us some more treats.   That is the goal, right?  Brain wash them into thinking their birthday is so important to us, so we can get more treats.

Alanis:      But we must remember that this is our Mommy, and she loves us, so we should really wish her a Happy Birthday.

Jeter:     I agree with that – she deserves that from us since she is so good to us.  Do you have any idea how old she is?  I am looking into age-specific cards.

Alanis:  Given you are seven and I am three, Mommy can’t be older than ten.

Jeter:     Wow, that’s old – but your math makes plenty of sense to me.

Alanis:   Why isn’t she covered in gold hair like we are?

Jeter:   Ugh, must I explain this to you, Alanis?    Obviously, they lose their hair when they give birth to us.   It is probably a traumatic experience.

Alanis:   Thanks for explaining the birds and the bees to me.  Thankfully, I am spayed – I will never lose my hair.

Jeter:    Correct.  Let us please respect that this is Mommy’s first birthday since living here without Josh around.

Alanis:   Yes, that is indeed sad.  There are many milestones we will be passing that will be the “first without Josh”.  This is our first major hurdle.   What did Josh do for Mommy on her birthday?

Jeter:  I don’t know.  The same as us, I guess.  Not much we can do but be dogs, ya know?   Isn’t like we can hop on Amazon and buy her more scented candles.

Alanis:   Yeah, I guess we will just have to act like dogs…easy enough to do.

Jeter:   Well, I think she would appreciate it if you didn’t bark needlessly all afternoon on her birthday.

Alanis:  Asking for the impossible again, I see.

Jeter:     Any way, even though we both don’t understand what this day is or why it is meaningful, it is time to wish Mommy a HAPPY AND HEALTHY BIRTHDAY, filled with many tennis balls, treats, butt sniffing…..

Alanis:  That’s us, Jeter…

Jeter:  Oops.   See?  Josh was much better at this stuff.     It is time to wish Mommy a HAPPY AND HEALTHY BIRTHDAY!   We love you every much and appreciate everything you do for us.   We wish we can hand you a check for $1,000,000 (mostly because that can really be a boon for our treats stash), but our Golden smiles, wagging tails, licks, and cuddles will hopefully be more than enough.  We’ll let Daddy handle the other stuff.

Alanis:  That is scary.  Did you hear he got her a PAPER SHREDDER?    I have seen better romantic gifts given by Sheldon Cooper to Amy Farrah Fowler.

Jeter:  Yes, I heard.   I don’t even know what to say.   Maybe she should look into purchasing a Husband Shredder.

Alanis:   That being said, I also want to wish MOMMY a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY!    We both appreciate how much you care for us!  I know I can be a pain in the ass with my quirky ways at times, but I love you.   There isn’t a better Dog Mommy on the planet – I am so happy I landed here when I was put up for adoption.

Jeter:   WAIT!  You were adopted?

Me:    The dogs get a bit confused around this time of the year.    It indeed is Colleen’s birthday today, and it does have a milestone attached to it.   Yes, her “big gift” this year was a paper shredder, but she got a lot of goodies out of the deal as well.  Sheesh!       Colleen has been through a lot over the past several years, but she enters this birthday feeling healthier than she has in years.  We hope it is the beginning of nothing but healthy birthdays forever.    The dogs and myself both appreciate EVERYTHING about her.  She has a heart of gold, has a sense of humor (look at what she married), and is definitely the one great thing about waking up on any given Monday morning.    Everything good that comes her way is deserved – she fought hard even on her toughest days to get to where she is today.  The dogs are much happier for that, obviously.   It is another blog post I can write at some point, but Jeter was always “in tune” with her health -to the point where it was amazing to watch him as he watched over her.   I could not have ever asked for a better wife or a better “Dog Mother”.     I am happy to be celebrating this special day with her, and am looking forward to the nicer days filled with so much sunshine.   Sunshine is appropriate, as my first ever nickname for her was “Sunshine Girl”.  I won’t reveal what her very first nickname for me was.   Happy Birthday, Colleen!  I wuf you! 

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